Post by billthebutcher on Jan 22, 2011 10:32:26 GMT -5
Yet another day. Another day of being just about forced off the road by assorted visually impaired morons behind the wheels of badly driven cars, and having to shell out - yet again - hundreds of rupees for petrol (that's "'gasoline" to you barbarians) adulterated with kerosene that coats my sparkplug with thick layers of soot...
Well, I can't change the petrol at least. Nor can I change the roads. But what can't be endured must be cured. I'm no Stoic, still less a masochist. Although I'm not averse to a healthy bit of sadism where I can get my own back.
Maybe I should design my own vehicle? One fit for this country? What would it have to be like?
First, of course, is the question of fuel. Now naturally it should not run on petrol. Even with the adulteration, Indian petrol is insanely expensive. Nor yet on diesel. If we all went over to diesel, you couldn't see the road for exhaust fumes.
Alcohol? Can you imagine the scene at the pumps? The drivers would stick the hoses in their mouths and press the levers. If the pump's attendants hadn't drunk it all already, that is.
Water? Come off it. There isn't enough water in the cities to drink and bathe in. Ask someone who stands in line for hours to get a couple of buckets.
So...
Ah, I have it! A fluid which is never out of stock in India, never difficult to obtain, which anyone would be willing, nay, happy to donate.
Urine.
Then we have the question of construction. We need something with the constitution of a T 90 tank, complete with reactive armour, anti-roll bars, padded harnesses, possibly ejection seats, the lot. Air bags can be included for the USP, but given the usual standards it would be wise to expect them to be too ruptured to inflate on impact.
Oh yeah. Did I mention top armour too? For when an overloaded truck topples over on it.
Self sealing balloon tyres, naturally, for roads that make the Paris Dakar Car Rally turn smooth with envy.
While we're at it, let's consider speed. I wonder if there is some way we could put some kind of bar under the accelerator pedal which would limit it to a top speed of forty kilometres per hour? It will never be able to drive at more than that on a city road anyway, what with all the traffic.
Appearance? I don't give a damn, so long as it looks large. It shouldn't be large, there is little enough space to park, and the roads are narrow enough, but boxy angular styling should make it look twice as broad and four times as long as your average Abrams tank, and that's what the usual driver would be happy with. Have, however, enough internal space to accommodate driver, wife, four children, brother and sister in law, their six children, the neighbour, his brother from out of town, the brother's wife, and their twins.
Colour? The more garish, the better, for the benefit of all eyes. As for accessories, chose your own, but don't forget the ashtray and beer bottle holder at the driver's elbow. Maybe a funnel and pipe so the occupants can refill the tank while the car's in motion?
Now what am I forgetting? Let me think. How do we drive in this country? What feature is the single most important? How do we clear the way? Ah, I have it.
It must have a horn like a banshee's wail, and ten times as loud.
All right, so there is my car's design.
Can I have land for a factory to set it all up?
About a thousand hectares of prime farmland ought to be enough to be getting on with.
Well, I can't change the petrol at least. Nor can I change the roads. But what can't be endured must be cured. I'm no Stoic, still less a masochist. Although I'm not averse to a healthy bit of sadism where I can get my own back.
Maybe I should design my own vehicle? One fit for this country? What would it have to be like?
First, of course, is the question of fuel. Now naturally it should not run on petrol. Even with the adulteration, Indian petrol is insanely expensive. Nor yet on diesel. If we all went over to diesel, you couldn't see the road for exhaust fumes.
Alcohol? Can you imagine the scene at the pumps? The drivers would stick the hoses in their mouths and press the levers. If the pump's attendants hadn't drunk it all already, that is.
Water? Come off it. There isn't enough water in the cities to drink and bathe in. Ask someone who stands in line for hours to get a couple of buckets.
So...
Ah, I have it! A fluid which is never out of stock in India, never difficult to obtain, which anyone would be willing, nay, happy to donate.
Urine.
Then we have the question of construction. We need something with the constitution of a T 90 tank, complete with reactive armour, anti-roll bars, padded harnesses, possibly ejection seats, the lot. Air bags can be included for the USP, but given the usual standards it would be wise to expect them to be too ruptured to inflate on impact.
Oh yeah. Did I mention top armour too? For when an overloaded truck topples over on it.
Self sealing balloon tyres, naturally, for roads that make the Paris Dakar Car Rally turn smooth with envy.
While we're at it, let's consider speed. I wonder if there is some way we could put some kind of bar under the accelerator pedal which would limit it to a top speed of forty kilometres per hour? It will never be able to drive at more than that on a city road anyway, what with all the traffic.
Appearance? I don't give a damn, so long as it looks large. It shouldn't be large, there is little enough space to park, and the roads are narrow enough, but boxy angular styling should make it look twice as broad and four times as long as your average Abrams tank, and that's what the usual driver would be happy with. Have, however, enough internal space to accommodate driver, wife, four children, brother and sister in law, their six children, the neighbour, his brother from out of town, the brother's wife, and their twins.
Colour? The more garish, the better, for the benefit of all eyes. As for accessories, chose your own, but don't forget the ashtray and beer bottle holder at the driver's elbow. Maybe a funnel and pipe so the occupants can refill the tank while the car's in motion?
Now what am I forgetting? Let me think. How do we drive in this country? What feature is the single most important? How do we clear the way? Ah, I have it.
It must have a horn like a banshee's wail, and ten times as loud.
All right, so there is my car's design.
Can I have land for a factory to set it all up?
About a thousand hectares of prime farmland ought to be enough to be getting on with.
