#12 of 25: The Top 10 Reasons I Hate Face Book

[The Late Mitchell Warren]

1. There is no "THIS SUCKS" button.

2. There is no "THE USER WHO POSTED THIS SUCKS" button.

3. Face Book encourages the breakdown of normal communication. Instead of people being forced to type out something polite like, "Wow, that's an interesting point," or "Hmm, I've never thought of that before," users simply click "I Like This", which is to say, I have read the post and have considered it, as it entered and exited my brain never to return again. I will not ponder this for any length of time, nor will I associate you with any positive thoughts for posting it. The consensus of all my thoughts is that I accept that you are saying something.

4. By that logic there should be a "WHO CARES?" button.

5. The kid who made Face Book stole someone else's idea and made a billion dollars. Being the group of "re-tahds" that Hollywood is, they tried to humble Mark Zuckerberg by making a "tell all" movie about him, thereby making him both famous AND rich. Unlike the Windows OS, which is semi-useful and sort of justifies Bill Gates' reason for existence, Face Book does nothing. It is a glorified forum, one step below MySpace, and originally intended as a college alumni website which Zuckerberg used to rate various hot women on campus. On general principle, Face Book cheapens your life. You are being used by Zuckerberg and Sean Parker just so they can drive around in limos, bar hop and buy exceptionally high-priced call girls.

6. 1000 "please repost this" stories a month. Please do not repost this. I would feel dirty and depressed if this story got around. Seriously, do not pray for me, nor take this opportunity to think about your loved ones. Do not hug anyone extra close, and please continue taking your life for granted. Like all of those other "reposted stories", this is a 100% FAKE post.

7. Anything that encourages people to abbreviate words of the American English language (which are actually abbreviated British words, formerly ones of elegance) is a detriment to society. If Face Book is allowed to continue, people will devolve to the point of grunting at each other in exchange for money (or sex). This is not a good thing. I know you're thinking that sounds awesome right now, but trust me, it's not.

8. Face Book is now a government-sponsored tool that brainwashes people into staring at their computer screens for hours on end. This keeps people from overstepping curfew and figuring out how corrupt their government really is. On the other hand, government forces can keep tabs on you, just as you keep multiple tabs up for Face Book, if you are remaining still in front of your monitor for hours at a time. The fact that you are constantly viewing ads and being force-fed brand promotion also helps boost economy.

9. Because 50-75% of your "friends" don't really like you that much.

10. Because if Jesus were alive today, he would not endorse Face Book. He would find the 400+ character limit annoying. It would be too difficult to perform miracles, as all of his friends would accuse him of Photoshopping pictures. Lastly, Jesus would not think it cool to be giving yourself all of this attention, instead of focusing on Him and His Kingdom. Besides, Jesus really hates when you type LOL as a reply. Seriously, Jesus says, what does LOL contribute to any conversation? At least write ROFLMFA or perhaps "I sort of laughed, but not really." These are the all-important non-text signals that we used to pay attention to.

P.S. I can't help you with Face Book rehabilitation or detox. I'm not qualified to show you what other practical things (if any) you could be doing with your time. I only know that it sucks.

[karlsie]

My entire ambition to hob nob with a broad Internet community fell apart when Yahoo 360 went down. I started thinking last night about what there was about it that i liked so much. For one thing, it was user friendly. You didn't have to muster up six credits in computer technology to present a background theme for your writing. There was a variety of easy transfer themes for the too-busy-to-learn computer graphics. The tools for creating a personalized Yahoo avatar were easy to use. Transferring your photography or word document was easy. Beyond the ease; or perhaps because of it; there was more variety in what people chose to present. You created your own pathways; literary friends, political friends, gabby friends. It felt more like cultivating friends within a community, than putting your life out on public display and running a popularity contest. 360 had the right answer for socializing with a group. The only squabble i really had was the lack of copyright protection.

[grainnerhuad]

I do have the skill set and licsense to put together a facebook rehab. I'm thinking a group setting will be nice. I'll set up a group on Facebook for rehab, people can send me their cash via paypal. I may do one for twitter too.

There are things I don't like about Facebook. I was violently opposed to it at first mostly because I think stupid time filling games like virtual farms and whatever else I get weekly invites to are stupid. And they piss me off. Especially when I get "urgent" notices that Peter Rabbit is stealing carrots from farmer so and so...How is that urgent?

I also hate the "repost this or you suck" pleas.

Also I'm pretty sure Jesus is on Facebook, he goes under different names like Rainn Wilson and Dr. Drew.

I do agree with your #8. I see and talk to way too many people who stare at their computer hoping for responses rather than going outside and meeting real people.

You can now download a dislike button, but really that is for wimps. One should always lambast someone in a paragraph or more when they don't like what they say.

Karla I have found it easier actually than 360. Less bugs and I have it set up to post my blogs automatically. Also it is a good tool for our magazine as we can reach a lot of people all at once. The Subversify Facebook site is really the reason I signed up in the first place. With so many 'zines out there I find it makes a difference to make people feel like they care about you so they will come and read our stuff. Pictures are super easy too.

[karlsie]

Grainne, i agree a facebook account is a good way to circulate our name and impress people with our friendly intentions. I'm eternally grateful that you maintain one. My sister, who is far more gregarious than i am and enjoys friendly chat, often puts out messages to her friends concerning Subversify articles and stories from her own facebook account. She does so at my prompting, i'll admit, but her position as a reader is advantageous. She promotes us by being a fan of our magazine.

I'll also admit this sounds like i'm making excuses for not joining facebook, and i am. My time is already limited. I found i was spreading myself too thin by maintaining online correspondence with the chat friendly crowd, which did not leave me with enough time to handle author correspondence, research or the development of my own writing. Ideally, we should all be working on Subversify promotions, but realistically, our staff is small and our ambitions great. Our ambitions require the continuous output of good content, through which our promotions will receive more enthusiasm. They also require the constant maintenance of our website, planning for the future and setting down the groundwork for our expansion. I repeat, i'm really glad you took on a facebook account and feel it was a wise strategy for public relations, but i abandoned my public image to focus entirely on the magazine's development. It was a choice i consciously made, knowing i was dropping out of the social hub, but feeling it was necessary if i wanted to put quality time into my writing and author correspondence.

I will submit, however, if you set up a facebook rehabilitation center, i would be most interested in assisting you with your clients.

[grainnerhuad]

Haha! You hear the cha-ching in the treatment model dontcha? I bet people would pay dearly to be treated for their social network addiction at their favorite sites. Oh the irony!

[karlsie]

I definitely hear the cha-ching. The only thing people like better than therapy or counseling is self-analysis. We could compile a list of traits first, as a barometer for the degree of addiction. This will help the prospective client to understand the severity of his/her problem. We also need "case studies" of bizarre behavior exhibited by subjects so there will be a heightened sense of anxiety and desire to break the habit. We need to get on this before it occurs to the psychiatric profession and they began to shake their pill bottles full of non- FDA approved medications.