Post by LIVE on Jul 22, 2009 14:29:22 GMT -5
The Roast of The Late Mitchell Warren
Ladies and gentleman, on July 24th a man known as The Late Mitchell Warren will have his 32nd birthday. The Late Mitchell Warren has chosen not to have a birthday thread on the Subversify forum because of three pertinent reasons. First, he does not celebrate birthdays, believing them to be orgies of self-congratulatory, embarrassing and unearned praise. Second, he is an old man and is scared of the idea of going so far past the big 3 0 and so doesn’t want to be reminded of such unpleasantries. Third, the number of people on this planet that genuinely love and appreciate him (as opposed to the millions who dislike, hate or fear him) can be counted on one hand.
Therefore, rather than subject the Subversify audience to another birthday thread and make you suffer through those respectful “Oh we sure love you, Mister Administrator” posts” we have decided to broadcast footage of the Roast of Mitchell Warren taking place over at the Literature & Media Alternative studio A.
Some of Mitchell’s most famous characters and literary inventions are now taking the stage, ready to unload on their creator in a most(ly) loving way.
“And now the guest of dishonor, The Late Mitchell Warren!”
(Applause)
(The Late Mitchell Warren bows to the crowd and takes his seat on the official Roast Throne)
“Please welcome our first roaster, the star of Cry On Cue, and the most angry female voice in Mitchell’s subconscious, Floren Felvturn!”
(Applause)
Floren Felvturn: Thank you, thank you. That is thank you, Mitchell, for setting back the feminist movement 100 years with your horrid female protagonists.
(Laughter)
Floren Felvturn: Of which I am the foremost sinner! What the fuck did your parents do to you that you have such pent up anger towards all of your female characters? Mitchell is as mad as a box of frogs. Let’s see, we have Harl…Janice Birden, for you old folks out there who remember his amateur stuff…you know back in 2005.
(Laughter)
Floren Felvturn: Yes children I do not make this up. Mitchell’s first real female lead character was a hot blonde in a tight nurse’s outfit.
(Boos)
Floren Felvturn: At least we know Mitchell wasn’t a marmite miner in his youth.
(Laughter)
Floren Felvturn: As for whatever happened to him that made him the proud gay man that he is now, is anyone’s guess. I blame Clay Aiken and Adam Lambert.
(Laughter & Applause)
Floren Felvturn: Then of course, we have Cry On Cue, in which Mitchell subjected his poor, poor audience to “Paula Brakken”, a hamster-obsessed psychopath, and me, Floren, a nymphomaniac virgin. Gee, Mitchell wherever did you get the inspiration?
(Laughter. Mitchell shrugs)
Floren Felvturn: And honestly, Mitchell, the sequel entitled Jaded Sapphira is so bad it literally ended your first relationship. Go figure. Jehovah’s Witness women don’t like reading about sex in church pews.
(Laughter)
Floren Felvturn: The least you could have done was have the sex take place outside of a Catholic Church, you asshole.
(Laughter Applause)
Floren Felvturn: But I kid because I love. The truth of the matter is that Mitchell is the only writer crazy enough to make me a lead instead of a supporting character. Happy birthday, Mitchell, you sexist, chauvinistic virginal nympho cocksucker.
(Applause)
“From Cry on Cue, Gouging the Wound and La Paz, please welcome Lester Lamron.”
(Applause)
Less Lamron: I am Mitchell’s generic psychologist character. Meaning I repeatedly tell Mitchell’s characters “very loosed based on him” that they’re not totally insane.
(Laughter)
Less Lamron: Well now it’s time to set the record straight. Yes, Mitchell. The doctor says you are crazy.
(Laughter and applause)
Less Lamron: My fellow fictional doctor Pera Rateur couldn’t be here tonight but she did have this to say. Prozac is often times very under-recommended.
(Laughter and applause)
Less Lamron: I can truthfully say that if regular medication can prevent another “I used to want to be Michael Jackson” flash prompt from happening again, then start pumping that bastard full of Propofol.
(Laughter)
Less Lamron: In all seriousness, Mitchell, stop using me as a stock character. We’re all sick of the straight-faced, fussy psychologist routine. When I am going to be an action hero? Try some range in your writing, you silly little boy.
(Applause)
“From Attempted Rapture, please welcome Anne McNamary and Amara Stallart.
(Applause)
Amara Stallart: Oh boy, a roast of Mitchell Warren, author of Attempted Rapture. Where do we begin?
Anne McNamary: Humm. Well, we could roast his anti-feminist, anti-female agenda.
Amara Stallart: I think Floren covered that.
Anne McNamary: How about his obsession with sex?
Amara Stallart: Floren beat us to it. I think Mitchell repeats himself a lot in his books.
(Laughter)
Anne McNamary: Ah, I got it. His simply awful choices in women. Before Wild Rose came along, he was quite the lonely sad sack, always pining after the woman he could never have. Writing entire novels dedicated to self-centered, shallow bitches who hardly knew he existed.
Amara Stallart: Which none of us ever read, anyway.
Anne McNamary: No, I stopped reading his stuff right after “Sandy Too.”
(Laughter)
Anne McNamary: Listening to Mitchell go on and on about the “quintessence of true love and idealism” for 200 pages is like getting root canal work done…by your vain and persnickety dentist ex-girlfriend!
Amara Stallart: Oh man, that’s got to hurt. Say what? The breakup was my fault? Go easy on the Lidocaine, nurse!
(Laughter)
Anne McNamary: Then of course we have to touch on his soccer mom fetish.
Amara Stallart: Yeah, that’s just creepy, Mitchell. The idea of you dating my mother just seems wrong.
Anne McNamary: When Mitchell turns 40 he’s going to be scouting nursing homes looking for a date.
(Laughter)
Amara Stallart: I must say I admire Wild Rose for sticking with him. Poor girl must be miserable living with such an egomaniac! I haven’t felt so bad for my fellow woman since Lisa Marie Presley.
Anne McNamary: I haven’t felt so bad for my fellow woman since Oedipus Rex happened.
(Laughter)
Amara Stallart: Happy birthday, Mitchell, and please, stop writing so many nude scenes for your “classy” female characters!
(Applause)
“From Unsolicited Submission, please welcome Alex the Pervert!”
(Applause)
Alex: I’m not actually a pervert. I was born that way. Because of Mitchell.
(Laughter)
Alex: Because of certain scenes in Attempted Rapture and Unsolicited Submission, it has become very hard for me to get a date. You know how hard it is to explain to a girl I like that I don’t really fuck people out of spite? That I don’t really have thousands of STDs, I just play a male version of AIDS Mary on TV?
(Laughter)
Alex: But all kidding aside, I just want to say something serious. I just want the world to know that even though I am a pervert, I still wholeheartedly endorse Sarah Palin in 2012. I have never liked Obama or black people for that matter. We perverts have to come together and realize that bi-partisan politics are tearing this country apart. We need to just vote in a Republican like Sarah Palin, who has good family values, and unite this great country. Sarah Palin is a Christian and has a strong feminist agenda. Just because I am a pervert doesn’t mean I am a chauvinist. I love women and respect the rights they have to have casual sex, burn their bras and abort their unwanted children. Yes, I am formally endorsing Sarah Palin in 2012.
(Mixed Reaction from the Crowd)
“{Ahem} …From Mitchell’s old blog, the one and only, Avocado!”
(Large Applause and standing ovation)
(The Avocado is overjoyed)
(The applause eventually dies down)
(The Avocado makes a joke)
(Laughter)
(The Avocado does nothing, further inciting laughter)
(The Avocado does a dramatic pause for effect)
(Laughter)
(The Avocado enjoys the continuous laughter of the crowd)
(The Avocado talks serious for a moment)
The Avocado walks off stage to much applause)
“From Texas Law Enforcement, please welcome usurper and kidnapper, Officer Gerald Downs!”
(Applause)
Officer Gerald Downs: Thank you. Just for the record, I am a Christian and don’t approve of some of the language being spoken here tonight. Especially by the avocado. Be that as it may, I am here to poke fun at The Late Mitchell Warren, because as everyone knows, we Texas Policemen just enjoy harassing civilians for no good reason.
(Laughter)
Officer Gerald Downs: I must say that I particularly enjoy harassing Mitchell given that he’s young and Mexican. Chances are, I pull a Mexican over I’m at least writing up two tickets, for illegal immigration and drunk driving. Or maybe a third ticket for stuffing some kid in the dashboard.
(Confusion throughout the audience)
Officer Gerald Downs: That’s a joke, people. I’m just saying it’s funny because he’s a spick is all.
(Boos)
Officer Gerald Downs: What? I thought this was a roast? Anyway, I just want to touch on Mitchell’s management or lack thereof at Subversify.com. I liked the old red and white color scheme better myself. The new Mitchell-designed colors seem to resemble a porno site to me, and that’s just not cool with the Lord Jesus. I used to have a porn addiction a few years ago and dammit, looking all that filth almost made me gay. Now that I’m a born again Christian I am 100% straight and hate homosexuals everywhere.
(Boos)
Officer Gerald Downs: What? Why are you booing? I’m just saying the truth. Now don’t go around thinking that all Texas policemen are racist, stupid and corrupt. I want to leave you with a good impression of Texas law. Think of all the good we do. Like setting up child molesters online. Why sometimes I go undercover myself as a 12 year old girl asking guys if they want to do me. As soon as they reply to my instant message a couple of boys and me go up to their house and beat the shit out of them. Hell yeah, that’s what Texas is all about!
(Confusion throughout the audience)
(Music plays as Gerald Downs is escorted out)
“Err…we apologize, ladies and gentleman. We honestly didn’t know we would have so many political statements at Mitchell’s roast. Now please welcome a man who is clueless about American politics, King Solomon, the star of The Song of Solomon and Trompe L’oeil.
(Applause)
King Solomon: Look! Mitchell has proven himself a fool!
(Laughter)
King Solomon: His complexion is a cluster of camphire in the vineyards of Engedi.
(Laughter)
King Solomon: Who is this that cometh out of the wilderness like pillars of smoke, perfumed with myrrh and frankincense, with all powders of the merchant? Why it is Mitchell, a man who has chosen to lie with other men!
(Laughter)
King Solomon: Mitchell’s hair is black and ruddy. His head is as the most worthless bark, and his locks are bushy, as black as a raven, a man unkempt and toiling in his desolate state.
(Laughter)
King Solomon: For Mitchell has tried in vain to steal my beloved from me, and I have requested that God punish him for his vanity. Upon discovering Mitchell’s fornication with my beloved, I discovered that God had indeed answered my prayer: for Mitchell’s loins were as tender grapes and a withering vine, small and undistinguished.
(Laughter)
King Solomon: For Mitchell loves as a woman, not a man! Look! His bodily members are the object of ridicule! May his seed beat themselves in lamentation for his humiliation. May his sons become exiled slaves of Canaan. May his daughters become whores and concubines of unskilled men. May his wife grieve over his wickedness and spit in his face. What is that, O Lord? Mitchell is not yet married to the woman he resides with? May God cast evil upon him for he has broken the commandments of Moses!
(Laughter)
King Solomon: I truly say to you that Mitchell shall fall in one day, and not even the merchants of the street or the King of Assyria shall remember his name! For his heart has become corrupted for all time!
(Applause)
“And now a very special video-recorded message from Colombia, the Commandante!”
Commandante: I laugh at Mitchell. He has huevos, you know, but keeps them knotted up inside his panties.
(Laughter)
Commandante: Do you think Mitchell loves you, manita? I can tell you now that he doesn’t. Lust is what moves him. It isn’t even a lust for power. He already has it. What he wants is bodies. Yes. Bodies and bodies to stack up at will. Bodies to look at in naked shamelessness. Nothing you say or do will change Mitchell. Happy birthday, you pig fucker.”
“And now a very special video-recorded message from PETA, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals.”
“We have no intention on roasting Mitchell Warren, a hypocrite that fights for animal rights despite the fact that he still owns leather jackets and calls us terrorists. His defense of us did more harm than good. Now Jews and African-Americans everywhere hate us! We spend more time apologizing for Mitchell’s defense than we do actively campaigning for cats being subjected to cruel medical experiments. Mitchell should do himself a favor and eat himself.”
-PETA Spokesman
(Laugher)
“And now a very special video-recorded message from President Barack Obama.”
Barack Obama: Make no mistake, Mitchell is still a threat to the United States. We cannot pretend somehow that because Barack Hussein Obama got elected as president, suddenly everything is going to be OK. It's not surprising to hear Mitchell is getting more and more bitter. That he clings to guns or religion or antipathy to people who aren't like him. We have real enemies like Mitchell in the world. These enemies must be found. They must be pursued and they must be defeated. This is why with my new proposal, I am offering one million dollars to the person who kills Mitchell Warren. Yes kill Mitchell Warren. It's time to fundamentally change the way that we do business in our country. To help build a new foundation for the 21st century, we need to reform our government so that it is more efficient, more transparent, and more creative. That will demand new thinking and a new sense of responsibility for every dollar that is spent and every act that is carried out.
(Laughter and confusion)
(Mitchell reluctantly applauds but looks uncertain)
“And now a very special video-recorded message from George W. Bush, former president of the United States.”
George W. Bush: Good evening, my fellow Americans. You know, one of the hardest parts of my job is saying goodbye to good people I met while in office. Mitchell was one of those people and he helped advise me in many of my decisions while in office. Why did I take so much of Mitchell’s misinformed advice, especially since Mitchell’s just an old friend and not officially part of my administration? I'm the commander -- see, I don't need to explain -- I do not need to explain why I say things. That's the interesting thing about being president. Mitchell and I’s relationship is very close and intimate. Matter of fact, Mitchell and me are going to see the Dallas Cowboys play in the new Arlington Cowboys stadium. We just want to know what a $1.15 billion dollar stadium looks like. Mitchell was joking the other day, saying maybe old Jerry Jones should pass Obama some money, with the way the budget is looking. You shoulda’ seen Mitchell, cracking up with milk shooting out if his nose. I was trying to keep a straight face, seeing that millions of people are dying of poverty and are out of work, but old Mitchell was just making all these sick jokes and I couldn’t help myself but laugh a few times. You know one of the best things Mitchell ever said to me was, “George, I know what I believe. I will continue to articulate what I believe and what I believe -- I believe what I believe is right.” That was a keeper, and I even used it one of my press conferences in Italy. I know old Mitchell will probably be embarrassed to admit that we’re old friends, but this is a roast right? So goodbye Mitchell, from the world's biggest polluter."
(Mitchell claps uncertainly)
(Boos from the audience)
(Mitchell takes the stage)
Mitchell Warren: Umm, well thank you. It feels good to be insulted by your fictional characters, and a few celebrity parodies joined in. I must say that turning 32 has taught me something. Namely that I’m an old man and my best work is behind me. No, no. That’s not true. I think I have a few good stories to tell yet. The difference is, when you’re 30, you can’t afford to write crap anymore. Damn, I sure miss the days where I could write crap all day. See ya next year, suckers!
Ladies and gentleman, on July 24th a man known as The Late Mitchell Warren will have his 32nd birthday. The Late Mitchell Warren has chosen not to have a birthday thread on the Subversify forum because of three pertinent reasons. First, he does not celebrate birthdays, believing them to be orgies of self-congratulatory, embarrassing and unearned praise. Second, he is an old man and is scared of the idea of going so far past the big 3 0 and so doesn’t want to be reminded of such unpleasantries. Third, the number of people on this planet that genuinely love and appreciate him (as opposed to the millions who dislike, hate or fear him) can be counted on one hand.
Therefore, rather than subject the Subversify audience to another birthday thread and make you suffer through those respectful “Oh we sure love you, Mister Administrator” posts” we have decided to broadcast footage of the Roast of Mitchell Warren taking place over at the Literature & Media Alternative studio A.
Some of Mitchell’s most famous characters and literary inventions are now taking the stage, ready to unload on their creator in a most(ly) loving way.
“And now the guest of dishonor, The Late Mitchell Warren!”
(Applause)
(The Late Mitchell Warren bows to the crowd and takes his seat on the official Roast Throne)
“Please welcome our first roaster, the star of Cry On Cue, and the most angry female voice in Mitchell’s subconscious, Floren Felvturn!”
(Applause)
Floren Felvturn: Thank you, thank you. That is thank you, Mitchell, for setting back the feminist movement 100 years with your horrid female protagonists.
(Laughter)
Floren Felvturn: Of which I am the foremost sinner! What the fuck did your parents do to you that you have such pent up anger towards all of your female characters? Mitchell is as mad as a box of frogs. Let’s see, we have Harl…Janice Birden, for you old folks out there who remember his amateur stuff…you know back in 2005.
(Laughter)
Floren Felvturn: Yes children I do not make this up. Mitchell’s first real female lead character was a hot blonde in a tight nurse’s outfit.
(Boos)
Floren Felvturn: At least we know Mitchell wasn’t a marmite miner in his youth.
(Laughter)
Floren Felvturn: As for whatever happened to him that made him the proud gay man that he is now, is anyone’s guess. I blame Clay Aiken and Adam Lambert.
(Laughter & Applause)
Floren Felvturn: Then of course, we have Cry On Cue, in which Mitchell subjected his poor, poor audience to “Paula Brakken”, a hamster-obsessed psychopath, and me, Floren, a nymphomaniac virgin. Gee, Mitchell wherever did you get the inspiration?
(Laughter. Mitchell shrugs)
Floren Felvturn: And honestly, Mitchell, the sequel entitled Jaded Sapphira is so bad it literally ended your first relationship. Go figure. Jehovah’s Witness women don’t like reading about sex in church pews.
(Laughter)
Floren Felvturn: The least you could have done was have the sex take place outside of a Catholic Church, you asshole.
(Laughter Applause)
Floren Felvturn: But I kid because I love. The truth of the matter is that Mitchell is the only writer crazy enough to make me a lead instead of a supporting character. Happy birthday, Mitchell, you sexist, chauvinistic virginal nympho cocksucker.
(Applause)
“From Cry on Cue, Gouging the Wound and La Paz, please welcome Lester Lamron.”
(Applause)
Less Lamron: I am Mitchell’s generic psychologist character. Meaning I repeatedly tell Mitchell’s characters “very loosed based on him” that they’re not totally insane.
(Laughter)
Less Lamron: Well now it’s time to set the record straight. Yes, Mitchell. The doctor says you are crazy.
(Laughter and applause)
Less Lamron: My fellow fictional doctor Pera Rateur couldn’t be here tonight but she did have this to say. Prozac is often times very under-recommended.
(Laughter and applause)
Less Lamron: I can truthfully say that if regular medication can prevent another “I used to want to be Michael Jackson” flash prompt from happening again, then start pumping that bastard full of Propofol.
(Laughter)
Less Lamron: In all seriousness, Mitchell, stop using me as a stock character. We’re all sick of the straight-faced, fussy psychologist routine. When I am going to be an action hero? Try some range in your writing, you silly little boy.
(Applause)
“From Attempted Rapture, please welcome Anne McNamary and Amara Stallart.
(Applause)
Amara Stallart: Oh boy, a roast of Mitchell Warren, author of Attempted Rapture. Where do we begin?
Anne McNamary: Humm. Well, we could roast his anti-feminist, anti-female agenda.
Amara Stallart: I think Floren covered that.
Anne McNamary: How about his obsession with sex?
Amara Stallart: Floren beat us to it. I think Mitchell repeats himself a lot in his books.
(Laughter)
Anne McNamary: Ah, I got it. His simply awful choices in women. Before Wild Rose came along, he was quite the lonely sad sack, always pining after the woman he could never have. Writing entire novels dedicated to self-centered, shallow bitches who hardly knew he existed.
Amara Stallart: Which none of us ever read, anyway.
Anne McNamary: No, I stopped reading his stuff right after “Sandy Too.”
(Laughter)
Anne McNamary: Listening to Mitchell go on and on about the “quintessence of true love and idealism” for 200 pages is like getting root canal work done…by your vain and persnickety dentist ex-girlfriend!
Amara Stallart: Oh man, that’s got to hurt. Say what? The breakup was my fault? Go easy on the Lidocaine, nurse!
(Laughter)
Anne McNamary: Then of course we have to touch on his soccer mom fetish.
Amara Stallart: Yeah, that’s just creepy, Mitchell. The idea of you dating my mother just seems wrong.
Anne McNamary: When Mitchell turns 40 he’s going to be scouting nursing homes looking for a date.
(Laughter)
Amara Stallart: I must say I admire Wild Rose for sticking with him. Poor girl must be miserable living with such an egomaniac! I haven’t felt so bad for my fellow woman since Lisa Marie Presley.
Anne McNamary: I haven’t felt so bad for my fellow woman since Oedipus Rex happened.
(Laughter)
Amara Stallart: Happy birthday, Mitchell, and please, stop writing so many nude scenes for your “classy” female characters!
(Applause)
“From Unsolicited Submission, please welcome Alex the Pervert!”
(Applause)
Alex: I’m not actually a pervert. I was born that way. Because of Mitchell.
(Laughter)
Alex: Because of certain scenes in Attempted Rapture and Unsolicited Submission, it has become very hard for me to get a date. You know how hard it is to explain to a girl I like that I don’t really fuck people out of spite? That I don’t really have thousands of STDs, I just play a male version of AIDS Mary on TV?
(Laughter)
Alex: But all kidding aside, I just want to say something serious. I just want the world to know that even though I am a pervert, I still wholeheartedly endorse Sarah Palin in 2012. I have never liked Obama or black people for that matter. We perverts have to come together and realize that bi-partisan politics are tearing this country apart. We need to just vote in a Republican like Sarah Palin, who has good family values, and unite this great country. Sarah Palin is a Christian and has a strong feminist agenda. Just because I am a pervert doesn’t mean I am a chauvinist. I love women and respect the rights they have to have casual sex, burn their bras and abort their unwanted children. Yes, I am formally endorsing Sarah Palin in 2012.
(Mixed Reaction from the Crowd)
“{Ahem} …From Mitchell’s old blog, the one and only, Avocado!”
(Large Applause and standing ovation)
(The Avocado is overjoyed)
(The applause eventually dies down)
(The Avocado makes a joke)
(Laughter)
(The Avocado does nothing, further inciting laughter)
(The Avocado does a dramatic pause for effect)
(Laughter)
(The Avocado enjoys the continuous laughter of the crowd)
(The Avocado talks serious for a moment)
The Avocado walks off stage to much applause)
“From Texas Law Enforcement, please welcome usurper and kidnapper, Officer Gerald Downs!”
(Applause)
Officer Gerald Downs: Thank you. Just for the record, I am a Christian and don’t approve of some of the language being spoken here tonight. Especially by the avocado. Be that as it may, I am here to poke fun at The Late Mitchell Warren, because as everyone knows, we Texas Policemen just enjoy harassing civilians for no good reason.
(Laughter)
Officer Gerald Downs: I must say that I particularly enjoy harassing Mitchell given that he’s young and Mexican. Chances are, I pull a Mexican over I’m at least writing up two tickets, for illegal immigration and drunk driving. Or maybe a third ticket for stuffing some kid in the dashboard.
(Confusion throughout the audience)
Officer Gerald Downs: That’s a joke, people. I’m just saying it’s funny because he’s a spick is all.
(Boos)
Officer Gerald Downs: What? I thought this was a roast? Anyway, I just want to touch on Mitchell’s management or lack thereof at Subversify.com. I liked the old red and white color scheme better myself. The new Mitchell-designed colors seem to resemble a porno site to me, and that’s just not cool with the Lord Jesus. I used to have a porn addiction a few years ago and dammit, looking all that filth almost made me gay. Now that I’m a born again Christian I am 100% straight and hate homosexuals everywhere.
(Boos)
Officer Gerald Downs: What? Why are you booing? I’m just saying the truth. Now don’t go around thinking that all Texas policemen are racist, stupid and corrupt. I want to leave you with a good impression of Texas law. Think of all the good we do. Like setting up child molesters online. Why sometimes I go undercover myself as a 12 year old girl asking guys if they want to do me. As soon as they reply to my instant message a couple of boys and me go up to their house and beat the shit out of them. Hell yeah, that’s what Texas is all about!
(Confusion throughout the audience)
(Music plays as Gerald Downs is escorted out)
“Err…we apologize, ladies and gentleman. We honestly didn’t know we would have so many political statements at Mitchell’s roast. Now please welcome a man who is clueless about American politics, King Solomon, the star of The Song of Solomon and Trompe L’oeil.
(Applause)
King Solomon: Look! Mitchell has proven himself a fool!
(Laughter)
King Solomon: His complexion is a cluster of camphire in the vineyards of Engedi.
(Laughter)
King Solomon: Who is this that cometh out of the wilderness like pillars of smoke, perfumed with myrrh and frankincense, with all powders of the merchant? Why it is Mitchell, a man who has chosen to lie with other men!
(Laughter)
King Solomon: Mitchell’s hair is black and ruddy. His head is as the most worthless bark, and his locks are bushy, as black as a raven, a man unkempt and toiling in his desolate state.
(Laughter)
King Solomon: For Mitchell has tried in vain to steal my beloved from me, and I have requested that God punish him for his vanity. Upon discovering Mitchell’s fornication with my beloved, I discovered that God had indeed answered my prayer: for Mitchell’s loins were as tender grapes and a withering vine, small and undistinguished.
(Laughter)
King Solomon: For Mitchell loves as a woman, not a man! Look! His bodily members are the object of ridicule! May his seed beat themselves in lamentation for his humiliation. May his sons become exiled slaves of Canaan. May his daughters become whores and concubines of unskilled men. May his wife grieve over his wickedness and spit in his face. What is that, O Lord? Mitchell is not yet married to the woman he resides with? May God cast evil upon him for he has broken the commandments of Moses!
(Laughter)
King Solomon: I truly say to you that Mitchell shall fall in one day, and not even the merchants of the street or the King of Assyria shall remember his name! For his heart has become corrupted for all time!
(Applause)
“And now a very special video-recorded message from Colombia, the Commandante!”
Commandante: I laugh at Mitchell. He has huevos, you know, but keeps them knotted up inside his panties.
(Laughter)
Commandante: Do you think Mitchell loves you, manita? I can tell you now that he doesn’t. Lust is what moves him. It isn’t even a lust for power. He already has it. What he wants is bodies. Yes. Bodies and bodies to stack up at will. Bodies to look at in naked shamelessness. Nothing you say or do will change Mitchell. Happy birthday, you pig fucker.”
“And now a very special video-recorded message from PETA, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals.”
“We have no intention on roasting Mitchell Warren, a hypocrite that fights for animal rights despite the fact that he still owns leather jackets and calls us terrorists. His defense of us did more harm than good. Now Jews and African-Americans everywhere hate us! We spend more time apologizing for Mitchell’s defense than we do actively campaigning for cats being subjected to cruel medical experiments. Mitchell should do himself a favor and eat himself.”
-PETA Spokesman
(Laugher)
“And now a very special video-recorded message from President Barack Obama.”
Barack Obama: Make no mistake, Mitchell is still a threat to the United States. We cannot pretend somehow that because Barack Hussein Obama got elected as president, suddenly everything is going to be OK. It's not surprising to hear Mitchell is getting more and more bitter. That he clings to guns or religion or antipathy to people who aren't like him. We have real enemies like Mitchell in the world. These enemies must be found. They must be pursued and they must be defeated. This is why with my new proposal, I am offering one million dollars to the person who kills Mitchell Warren. Yes kill Mitchell Warren. It's time to fundamentally change the way that we do business in our country. To help build a new foundation for the 21st century, we need to reform our government so that it is more efficient, more transparent, and more creative. That will demand new thinking and a new sense of responsibility for every dollar that is spent and every act that is carried out.
(Laughter and confusion)
(Mitchell reluctantly applauds but looks uncertain)
“And now a very special video-recorded message from George W. Bush, former president of the United States.”
George W. Bush: Good evening, my fellow Americans. You know, one of the hardest parts of my job is saying goodbye to good people I met while in office. Mitchell was one of those people and he helped advise me in many of my decisions while in office. Why did I take so much of Mitchell’s misinformed advice, especially since Mitchell’s just an old friend and not officially part of my administration? I'm the commander -- see, I don't need to explain -- I do not need to explain why I say things. That's the interesting thing about being president. Mitchell and I’s relationship is very close and intimate. Matter of fact, Mitchell and me are going to see the Dallas Cowboys play in the new Arlington Cowboys stadium. We just want to know what a $1.15 billion dollar stadium looks like. Mitchell was joking the other day, saying maybe old Jerry Jones should pass Obama some money, with the way the budget is looking. You shoulda’ seen Mitchell, cracking up with milk shooting out if his nose. I was trying to keep a straight face, seeing that millions of people are dying of poverty and are out of work, but old Mitchell was just making all these sick jokes and I couldn’t help myself but laugh a few times. You know one of the best things Mitchell ever said to me was, “George, I know what I believe. I will continue to articulate what I believe and what I believe -- I believe what I believe is right.” That was a keeper, and I even used it one of my press conferences in Italy. I know old Mitchell will probably be embarrassed to admit that we’re old friends, but this is a roast right? So goodbye Mitchell, from the world's biggest polluter."
(Mitchell claps uncertainly)
(Boos from the audience)
(Mitchell takes the stage)
Mitchell Warren: Umm, well thank you. It feels good to be insulted by your fictional characters, and a few celebrity parodies joined in. I must say that turning 32 has taught me something. Namely that I’m an old man and my best work is behind me. No, no. That’s not true. I think I have a few good stories to tell yet. The difference is, when you’re 30, you can’t afford to write crap anymore. Damn, I sure miss the days where I could write crap all day. See ya next year, suckers!
