Post by billthebutcher on Aug 31, 2010 2:33:57 GMT -5
There was once an old woman whose life had been full of great toil and sorrow. She was, however, unbowed, unbroken, and also never forgot her religious duties and was always the first among the faithful in church. She even paid over to the church every penny of money that she had over and above what she needed to survive, and in her spare time she went around caring for the sick and for those even poorer than herself.
Then the time came for her to die, and she lay back, contended that her time of hardship was ended, and her heavenly reward was at hand. Quietly and happily, she gave up the ghost.
Her spirit found itself in the presence of a great white light, and felt great warmth and love. What have you done to show me? asked this light of her.
So she gave the light a potted account of her life. “And that’s what I could do for you, Lord,” she finished.
Lord? I’m no Lord, said the light. There ain’t no such thing. I’m just the Recycler.
“But then – heaven and all?” quavered her spirit.
There ain’t no heaven, no hell, nothing, said the light. There’s just reincarnation, back and back again.
“But then,” she said, “why did I go through all that pain and suffering and go to my grave a virgin as well? This is unfair.”
Who said anything has to be fair? asked the light. I never said anything had to be fair. But since you suffered so much, what would you like in your next life? I’ll grant you that wish. Whatever you want in your next life shall be yours. After all, as I said, I’m the Recycler. What I say goes.
“Oh,” she answered, “In that case, I want a comfortable life, where I shan’t have to ever work and all things shall be given me, food, comfort, housing, and everything. And sex. Make a note of that. I want lots and lots of sex.”
So be it, said the light, and faded away with a slight flicker. And the spirit found everything going dark for a while…
When she came to, she had it all. Everything she wanted. She had endless amounts of food, all around her, so she did not even have to try to reach out for it. The air was cool and moist always, just as she liked it, and she had just as much sex as she wanted, so she gave new life to many children. She was content.
And then one day she was taken out of there and given only water to drink for several days, and then she was covered with rock salt till she vomited. Then she was boiled in water, taken out of her shell, gutted, cooked with butter and put back into her shell and served up for dinner. The menu read Escargots.
Because she had never had the chance to think or do any good deeds, she never had the chance to specify what she would come back as next time.
If you want to be reincarnated, better make sure it’s not as part of the stock of a French snail farm…
But the light had pity. It granted her last time’s wish over again.
She now has everything she wants, she’s bathed in food, she’s warm, protected, content. She does not, this time, even have to reach out with her mouth to eat. She doesn’t have a mouth. And as for sex, she can have as much of it as she wants – with herself.
After all, tapeworms are self-fertilising hermaphrodites.
Then the time came for her to die, and she lay back, contended that her time of hardship was ended, and her heavenly reward was at hand. Quietly and happily, she gave up the ghost.
Her spirit found itself in the presence of a great white light, and felt great warmth and love. What have you done to show me? asked this light of her.
So she gave the light a potted account of her life. “And that’s what I could do for you, Lord,” she finished.
Lord? I’m no Lord, said the light. There ain’t no such thing. I’m just the Recycler.
“But then – heaven and all?” quavered her spirit.
There ain’t no heaven, no hell, nothing, said the light. There’s just reincarnation, back and back again.
“But then,” she said, “why did I go through all that pain and suffering and go to my grave a virgin as well? This is unfair.”
Who said anything has to be fair? asked the light. I never said anything had to be fair. But since you suffered so much, what would you like in your next life? I’ll grant you that wish. Whatever you want in your next life shall be yours. After all, as I said, I’m the Recycler. What I say goes.
“Oh,” she answered, “In that case, I want a comfortable life, where I shan’t have to ever work and all things shall be given me, food, comfort, housing, and everything. And sex. Make a note of that. I want lots and lots of sex.”
So be it, said the light, and faded away with a slight flicker. And the spirit found everything going dark for a while…
When she came to, she had it all. Everything she wanted. She had endless amounts of food, all around her, so she did not even have to try to reach out for it. The air was cool and moist always, just as she liked it, and she had just as much sex as she wanted, so she gave new life to many children. She was content.
And then one day she was taken out of there and given only water to drink for several days, and then she was covered with rock salt till she vomited. Then she was boiled in water, taken out of her shell, gutted, cooked with butter and put back into her shell and served up for dinner. The menu read Escargots.
Because she had never had the chance to think or do any good deeds, she never had the chance to specify what she would come back as next time.
If you want to be reincarnated, better make sure it’s not as part of the stock of a French snail farm…
But the light had pity. It granted her last time’s wish over again.
She now has everything she wants, she’s bathed in food, she’s warm, protected, content. She does not, this time, even have to reach out with her mouth to eat. She doesn’t have a mouth. And as for sex, she can have as much of it as she wants – with herself.
After all, tapeworms are self-fertilising hermaphrodites.