A Fireman's Picnic

[Christian Erwin]

Ah, I see. A pacifist, huh? I stopped being a pacifist when I was eight years old and my older brother started beating up on me. (Laughs) I just feel this is a world of eternal struggle. Survival of fittest, you know the routine. Those who want to live must fight. Those who want to die, can certainly die quickly these days. But I guess that relates to the whole concept of individual happiness, doesn't it?

[Christian Erwin]

Ellis, you jest. We are always at war, regardless of what "level" the politicians put us at.

[Shelly T.]

Hah-hah. I'm not really down with metal.

[Shelly T.]

(Thinks) How do you say "fuck me" like an intellectual?

[Shelly T.]

So Christian, do you ever think of running for office?

[Ellis Knight]

Christian, I could accept the concept of survival of the fittest if we were still caveman bumbling through the forest, swinging clubs. I could even accept it as the human struggle against the elements of nature. I can't see how bombing cities into dust is exactly survival of the fittest. Everyone loses. It's true that America is constantly at war, but it's not to its credit. It only shows how far we've fallen as a civilization.

[Donna Kohlman]

Ellis has to be joking. It said on the news just last week that we were bombing Iraq and that's in Korea. We have to bomb Korea in order to keep them from taking over our nuclear plants. It's that plain and simple, but we should be understanding. Once the Koreans understand they shouldn't try to steal our nuclear energy, we can fogive the and help them re-build their country.

Christian, my poor dear. You should come to our church. There's a wonderful psychiatrist who attends that could clear up the issues you have with your brother. You must embrace him and take him back into your life.

[Hickory Bob]

Lame. But I'm cool. Somebody pass me those double bazookas, por favor; i mean those blueberry muffins.

[Christian Erwin]

Ellis, what do you do for a living? Something tells me you haven't really lived. What have all of your years of experience taught you? That life is suffering? That the youth are incorrigible? That our society is sad and that we're a civilization of losers?

In my opinion, mankind has grown strong in eternal struggle. He has fought for years and become the dominant creature because of it. And it's funny that church lady here talks about church. I think historically speaking war has been in accordance with the will of the God. We Christians fight for everything, we fight for the right to worship, we fight oppression and we scourge those that would dare to silence God's word.

Mankind has never known peace since the beginning of time. We have always aspired to war. Frankly, mankind would probably perish through eternal peace. In a moment's rest, we're not sure what to do with ourselves.

[Shelly T.]

(Pouts, thinks to self) He is just not that into me. Is he gay or something? No, he just thinks I'm stupid. Maybe if I'm friendly with someone else he will notice. No, probably not. I blew it. Who else is here? Ellis is okay, I guess, for an older dude. They say experienced lovers are the best. Hickory seems cute. Reminds me of Teddy though. Gawd, I can't believe I haven't heard from Teddy in three months. Ooh maybe I should get together with another girl. I bet Christian would notice that! Lesbian sex! Haawwhaaaaw! Eew, but there's no cute girls here either. I don't know if Haley's a boy or a girl...

[Shelly T.]

Those blueberry muffins are really good. I think they look more like mushroom clouds than bazookas though.

[Ellis Knight]

You know, Christian, I'm really not that interested in your war mongering rhetoric. I'll have to admit this is the first time I've seen someone favor war without hiding behind the excuse of some ungodly injustice, but my sentiments remain the same. I suggest if you want to gather around champions for your cause, you look around for someone with a chip on their shoulder (nods at Haley) Like that young woman in black. I'm sure she would be happy to join your rampage of anarchy.

As for my work, you'll probably find it objectionable as well. I'm a contractor for Sol-life Incorporated, a firm that designs and builds offices and homes with solar panels and other energy saving devices. My life has been quite full and quite satisfying. I've spent it mainly in traveling and reflection. My reflective view right now is that I hope to reap the rewards of retirement and old age before you decide to blow up the world. That said, I might ask you the same question. Other than your assurances that part of the money being raised for the fire department has been wasted on you, and I wouldn't doubt that it has; you've probably fanned more flames than put them out; what have you done that places you into the land of the living instead of the mere existing?

[Christian Erwin]

Sol-Life, Inc? (Laughs hard) So in other words, Ellis, you're just some horseshit pseudo-company hiding behind the scam of global warming? You're probably one of these liberal bozos responsible for putting that pussy in the White House. Guess what? In less than a year, we go from being feared the world over to being golden-showered by every Asian and Middle Eastern company in the world. Best way to keep an angry mob happy? Promise money that you don't have.

Well, while you're out trying to scam the world with biofuels and trying to harvest the sun, I'm out risking my life day and in and day out to save innocent people from dying. Some of us live in the moment, Ellis. Not everyone can be happy carrying a Gandhi-masochist complex. Some of us are willing to fight for what we believe in. Some of us have courage. Some of us are willing to die fighting for a greater good. Some of us...are nothing more than human product, manufactured by Democratic entrepreneurs.

But I respect you, Ellis. You have the guts to ward off the sun, don't you?

[Donna Kohlman]

Now this is exactly what I'm talking about. Why is it that men can never engage in a little pleasant conversation? We all know the benefits of sun bathing, although the truth is, tanning booths are much more efficient, so I'm with Ellis on this one. Although I think both of you could improve your manners, and I would also include that young man who keeps insisting on speaking in a foreign language. Do you have any idea how rude that is to people who speak English?

[Ellis Knight]

That's kind of contradictory, isn't it or are you setting up an insurance policy to make sure your services are always in need? You advocate taking lives yet work at saving lives. True capitalism at work. If we weren't dropping so many bombs and polluting our environment, we might not have so many spontaneous wild fires to be rescued from. That would inconvenience you, wouldn't it? I'd offer to help change your sword into a plow share, but I'm afraid you might use it to club me to death.